Childhood's End
by jenamy
Summary: "For my sixth grade science fair project I made a model of an atomic bomb."  I could hear the awkward silence fill the car for all of three seconds.  AU. RM/JS  Rated M for later chapters.
1. ThirtyEight Minutes

"—ery disappointed in your Meredith. You've so much potential, I know we're not _exactly_ as challenging as you'd like, but this is the fifth time this week you've been in my office for correcting one of your teachers; it's only _Tuesday_. Now head along to chemistry, I hear you've a lab today, which should provide some fun."

"Yes sir."

He nodded and I took my leave. Of course I correct my teachers, they're wrong! The kids who are, by far, stupider than me to begin with, will fall even further behind because their educators are teaching them the _wrong_ things. The burden of genius I suppose.

"Rodney!"

I turned towards the voice and smiled, well a little one. The most beautiful girl in the school was one of my friends; she'd kick my ass if I said that to her face though. But she was friends with _me_ and she doesn't even ask me to do her homework!

"Hello Teyla."

She raised an eyebrow at my tone.

"You are coming from the office again, are you not? Did you correct yet another of your teachers?"

I could hear the smile in her voice.

"I can't help it if they're wrong!"

A real smile spread across her face and she gently touched my arm. I felt a large hand ruffle my hair from behind.

"Hey buddy! You got in trouble again didn't you?"

I glared up at the mountain of a boy beside me. Seriously, I think I come up to his navel, well not really, but he's at least two heads taller than me—Ronon Dex. A boy you would not want as your enemy, especially in high school. He's taller than most of our peers and even the full grown men, and he's strong—very, very strong.

"Will you stop that! And again, I can't help it, they're wrong!"

Ronon's deep laugh echoed in the hall, kids stopped to stare—he's usually extremely silent. We were a misfit group of kids. Teyla, she was popular and had many friends, but she always chose us over them. Ronon stuck to himself, with the exception of us of course. Me, well, I'm a geek. Genius by birth, I'm two years younger than most of my peers, which only adds to the ridicule I get. Ronon can only protect me for so many parts of the day.

"I know buddy, I know. Come on, we'll be late and you know how much I like to destroy things on lab day, especially if it's last period!"

Teyla smiled as she took my arm and we followed Ronon to the science hall.

"My brother is coming home from his basic training and we are all going to the carnival, would you like to join us this weekend? Ronon has already agreed and I would like for you to meet him. I have told him a lot of the both of you. He is most anxious to meet my two best friends."

I've never met her brother, but I've seen plenty of pictures. They're very close, only a year a part—both adopted into their current family.

"You do not need to answer today, perhaps you can think on it and give me one Friday afternoon?"

That's her way of telling me I'd better say yes or she'd kick my ass and then make _me_ feel guilty about having her do so. I nodded and removed myself from her arm and stalked over to my assigned table. My partner already there, scruffy kid named Zelenka, he's Czech. His parents do something that he's not allowed to say—I probably have clearance to know, well if it's for the CIA, but that's not what I should be focusing on.

"Oh, hello Rodney, today is boring, yes?"

He handed me the sheet for today's assignment and then sank on the bench stool, cradling his head in his arms. His hair spreading out around his head—it must be painful to have his glasses crunched into his face like that. I glanced over at Ronon who looked very put out and was glaring down at the sheet of paper in front of him. Me too buddy, me too, I was looking forwards to an actual lab, not some puzzles.

I dropped my backpack to the ground and sat on the stool and simply stared at the sheet in front of me. Five minutes and I'd be finished, or I could take the full thirty-eight minutes and embellish it till Ms. Carter didn't know what _I_ was talking about. She's hot, for a teacher and a woman. Blonde and leggy too, she's ex-Air Force, left after her husband retired. Took up teaching science to high school students—what a waste of smarts.

"Radek, have you ever heard of Teyla's older brother?"

I started filling in the puzzle, not even bothering to pay attention, if I missed anything it wouldn't dent my grade. I've had a 4.0(+) since as long as I can remember. Mostly because my parents didn't want me to skip too far ahead—two years at the most—talk about boring. I could be halfway finished with a Masters by now, but my mother was worried I'd be socially ostracized for being a genius. Didn't she now I would do that on my own?

He glanced up at me before sitting up and then frowning down at the paper in front of him. With a dejected sigh he pulled a pencil out of his pocket and began scribbling in the boxes.

"Oh yes, John, I think. He is home, yes? You would like him, he is like you. And you missed twenty-two, is two, not one."

I glanced down at my paper and then at his and then at my own, re-reading the riddle.

"Okay, that's only the third time you've corrected me."

He chuckled as I erased and corrected my mistake.

"Is sixth. And you not answer my question, he is home? You going to meet him this weekend? Me and Carson are going to carnival, you should come too. Get out of house."

I shrugged. I had plenty of other things I could be doing instead of going to a place where I wouldn't know if I could eat or drink anything because they serve lemonade and how would I know if someone didn't touch lemon juice and then whatever it is they gave me. Or if someone were to get sick on one of the rides, I would too—I've never been too strong when it comes to vomit. They're always so dirty in the first place, it's like your sitting in the filth from the first time the ride ever moved and some of those things were years old—_years_—and could fall apart at any minute and I would not want to die in some freak carnival ride accident. My genius still had plenty of things to contribute to the world thank you very much.

A shadow fell over my shoulder and I tensed.

"Ms. Carter, can not do that please, Rodney, he, he does not li—"

I glanced over my shoulder at her and she just smiled.

"Sorry McKay, just wanted to see how my two geniuses were fairing. I did have an Alkali Metals lab planned, we'd have had flames, but Mr. Landry said the sprinklers in the science labs were twitchy and he'd rather not take the chance of having soggy students. You two would've at least had something to do with your hands the entire period. Have a good weekend boys."

I shoved the paper across the table, it was incomplete but I couldn't do it. I was frustrated—it's too menial a task for me to do. I could've done this when I was five. Well maybe seven, but still.

"Come to carnival with me and Carson, that way you can meet brother and if is awkward, you can leave with us."

Why hadn't I thought of that? Oh, right, I was too busy thinking of ways I could get hurt, die, sick or go into anaphylactic shock while walking about the germ infestation most plebes call a carnival.

"Fine, seeing as I won't get a break from you or Teyla and don't even worry about sending Carson my way. Make sure you both have an epi-pen in your pockets, I always have one, I'll have to get Teyla and Ronon to carry one too, just in case. You guys really don't understand how much I prefer indoors, that way I at least know what's coming my way."

Radek patted my arm.

"Rodney, is okay, we know. Plus is good for you to get out of house. You're too pale. We can even go at night, less UV for you to worry about and we will each have epi-pen for you."

I slid down into a slouch, laying my head on my arms—I could at least get a nap in before I had to head to the middle school to pick up my sister. She got to skip three grades. I simply nodded at Radek and closed my eyes. A military man, that's who I was meeting this weekend—a bigoted, closed-minded grunt. Smart enough to do what he's told and nothing more. One more person with less intelligence I can make nice with. Fun.

-x-

"Ow!"

I rubbed the back of my hand and glared at Teyla. She merely raised an eyebrow.

"You didn't have to hit me! You don't even eat the fries!"

"And you did not give me an answer. It is Friday afternoon Rodney, are you going to come along and meet John?"

Ronon shrugged over his lunch tray, eyeing the fries I couldn't get off Teyla's.

"Actually, uh, Carson and Radek asked me first, I'm, uh, going with them, but, uh, I'll be sure to meet up with you at some point in the evening. I, I do have a favor to ask, now that I remember, do…could you…"

"We've already got two each, McKay. Beckett came by with that foreign kid."

"In case you haven't noticed Ronon, I'm foreign too."

He smirked around his pizza.

"You're _Canadian_."

Teyla laughed quietly and then moved her fries to my tray. I smiled at her and dug in.

"Merri!"

I groaned at Ronon's chuckle, he always laughed at the way Carson greeted me. Our families knew each other since our infancy; he's one of the few that can get away with calling me Meredith, or some form of it.

"Hello Carson."

"Oh, hullo Teyla, how are you today?"

She smiled at his flushing face.

"I am doing well today. I hear you and Radek are taking Rodney to the carnival this evening."

He glanced down at me before looking at her and nodded.

"He doesnae like to go out much, especially durin' the day, he's far too worried 'bout UV harming his already fair skin an' with his complexion, it's understandable, I'll also have my mum make him some snacks so he doesnae have to worry about anything contaminating him, lest we should all have to use the epi-pens we'll have on hand."

I groaned.

"_He_ is right here!"

"Relax buddy, we're just looking out for you, we know that massive brain of yours has too much to live for, we wouldn't want you to die in some freak accident, plus, you haven't met John, Teyla'd kick your ass if you didn't keep your word."

We all laughed. It was true; she'd bring me back to life just to kick my ass if I broke my word.

"Yes, yes, we're all aware that my genius cannot die young. I have to go though, Jeanie's got a doctor's appointment and seeing as my parents cannot be bothered to get her there, I'm it."

Teyla gave me a look; she knew the gist of the story, but she never pitied Jeanie and me. Ronon made a sound, he knew some of the story and he didn't like that I had to put my life on hold to make sure Jeanie was taken care of. Carson patted my back; he knows everything and has even witnessed it on occasion.

"You cannae get out of this Meredith, I will be picking you up tonight at five an' then we'll get Radek. Then it's you, me an' he off to the carnival. If I have to take you kicking an' screamin' I'll do it."

I got to my feet and glared at him. Ronon laughed and Teyla hid a smile behind her drink. I grabbed my backpack and slung in on my shoulder and then picked up my tray and stalked off towards the exit. I never really know how to accept the care my friends give me; I've never really known what it felt like to actually be wanted for more than just my genius. Let alone have an actual friend—well except Carson. He's always been there. Our mother's are—were—close friends. Without realizing where I was going, I found myself flat on my back, well as flat as one could get with a backpack on and a math text digging into their spine.

"Watch where you're going McKay."

I stared up at the boy towering over me. Why did I have to almost be outside, why couldn't I still be in the cafeteria, Ronon would've intervened. He leant down and fisted my jacket, hauling me to my feet.

"Never took you for one to run people over, aren't you usually trying to remain invisible? I've missed spotting you, you're my favorite geek, you know. You're also so very, very easy to stuff into a locker; I haven't been able to do that in weeks. Care to help me out?"

I tried to struggle, but it was futile. This kid was built like a linebacker and just a head shorter than Ronon.

"No! Let me go, please! My sister, she, I neemmph!"

His hand covered my mouth.

"McKay, you're in no position to speak. You've evaded me for two weeks now; don't you think I get some retribution? You owe it to me."

I glared; it was all I could do. Times like these are what made me hate that I was still two years behind my peers, they were all at least a head or two taller than me and I was scrawny. Though I was slightly impressed he could use such big words for a jock.

"Put him down."

I didn't know that voice, but it was full of authority. I slumped to the floor at his quick release and glanced beyond his legs to see a man in fatigues and aviator glasses. A shock of messy black hair atop his head, his mouth set in a firm line; the name Sheppard in black stitching.

"What's it to you if I don't leave him alone?"

I watched in both semi-horror and amusement as Sheppard stalked closer to the boy in front of me, causing him to stumble over my legs and back himself up against the wall next to me.

"That's the thing, he's one of my kid sister's friends, if you hurt him, you're hurting her and that, that just doesn't sit well with me."

I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my head in my arms—_that_ was Teyla's brother? I heard feet shuffling and then a set run down the hall. Maybe if I just sit here he'll go find Teyla—he's touching me. His hand was on my shoulder, shaking it gently.

"Hey buddy, it's okay."

It was most definitely _not_ okay! I glared up at him—he was close, I hadn't realized he was squatting down in front of me.

"No it's not. You've just made it worse for me. I've survived this long dealing with him, I didn't need a savior."

I could see the corner of his mouth twitch up in a smirk and I hardened my glare. I shoved him away from me and climbed to my feet and quickly exited the building. I rushed to my old junkie of a car and tossed my bag in the back. My radio soothing me with Bach—I prefer Beethoven, but it'll do. I let out a deep breath and backed out of my spot. Who did that guy think he was? Just because he's tall and rakish and has a pretty mouth, and is Teyla's brother doesn't mean he can just come out of no where and, and make the guy leave me alone! Now he's just going to make it worse the next time he catches me alone.

Ha! Maybe I don't have to go to the carnival after all, I was only going to meet John—John Sheppard—and I had just done that, so…yeah right. Teyla'd still kick my ass and Carson would probably cry and demand I be his mock patient when he goes off to medical school next year. Radek would blow up my car and Ronon would take all my food. At least I didn't have to worry about Jeanie being left alone, she'd only miss school for an hour and then she was going home with one of her friends for the weekend.

I pulled out front of the middle school and pulled up the curb. I had to go in and sign her out; I could see her head of blonde curls looking out the window. She grinned and waved and I couldn't help but grin and wave back. I pulled open the doors and headed to the office. As soon as the door was opened I was ambushed with an arm full of ten year old girl.

"Mer! Do I have to come back? Can't you just take me to Kayla's after school? The office can send her a note and everything, I already asked the lady at the desk."

I glanced over at the lady at the desk and she merely smiled with a look that said, it was my call—I nodded. I needed a distraction and Jeanie; she's always been able to fill that void in my heart. She pumped a fist in the air and let out a triumphant yes! I grabbed her back and walked over to the desk and signed her out.

"Can you let Kayla Jenkins know that Jeanie will be dropped off at her home later this afternoon?"

"Of course Rodney, enjoy yourselves and have a good weekend."

I noticed the flash of pity before I turned back to Jeanie, who was waiting impatiently by the door. I had to explain why my parents sent their sixteen year old son to pick up their ten year old daughter the first time Jeanie had to leave early. I had to tell them the truth, they could check with school—both knew some of the story of our home life. No one questioned it anymore. She skipped out to my car and climbed in the passenger seat. She'd have already changed the radio before I even got to the hood of my car. I tossed her bag in the back with mine as I climbed in—it suddenly hit me, John Sheppard knew who I was and he had never met me before today.

* * *

**A/N:**

Well here I am..._again_.

This is another story I've posted previously on Mibba. This is **AU**, as I'm sure you've noticed...this fandom has sucked me in and has refused to release its grasp. If you think it blows or rocks or whatever, feel free to tell me...or not, your choice really. I post for myself (90% of the time).

Obviously I don't own 'em. 


	2. The Prodigal

"Help!"

I glanced at Carson who shrugged his shoulders and we both turned to look at a frantic Radek. His hair was even crazier and he was pacing, it was making me a little dizzy.

"Radek, what do we need to be helpin' you with?"

"Elizabeth! She told me before left school that she is going too. Laura is dragging her. I do not know why she felt need to tell me she was going too, but she did and now, now I am frantic. I understand what girl feels like before a date."

I couldn't help it, I started laughing. Seriously, Elizabeth would wear the pants in that relationship, when it does happen. They're in the courting stage right now—or so Radek's parents tell them they are. Carson rushed forward and put a calming hand on Radek's shoulder.

"You're going with me an' Rodney, not Elizabeth. If we just so happen to run into her, then you say hullo and ask her to ride on the ferris-wheel with you. No need to fuss, she already likes you."

Radek glared at him.

"Easy for you to say, Laura was smitten moment she saw you! Elizabeth is different; she is not like other girls."

"Oh for the love whatever deity you believe in, can we just go to the carnival? I'm already beyond anxious and am running on nothing but pure adrenalin from fear that my life may very well end tonight and you two are having a minor freak out about two girls who are already worshiping the ground you walk on."

Both turned to glare at me. Radek nodded and Carson's lip trembled a little. Oh great, I've upset him. I turned and stomped over to the car.

"Well, are we going or not, because there are so many other important things I could be doing tonight."

They both made their way to the car and climbed in. Carson fiddled with the radio and put on some oldies station.

"You missed meetin' Teyla's brother at lunch. He came in just after you had left. Nice fellow."

I felt my cheeks flush. Oh I had met him; I thought he was gorgeous for all of the ten seconds it took for me to realize that he was Teyla's brother. My luck sucked worse than a black-hole.

"Why is cheeks red, Rodney?"

I slumped further down in my seat, ignoring the blatantly obvious curiosity and amusement in Radek's tone and Carson's questioning side-ways glance.

"Oh! You were boy saved, yes?"

I bit my lip at Carson's burst of laughter. I could seriously welcome some complex form of advanced life to suck me out of the car—like now. Radek started laughing and pretty soon both were laughing. I could only imagine how an unintelligent grunt portrayed his act of heroism. I folded my arms like a petulant child.

"Oh laugh it up, I'm sure _John_ appeared the perfect savior of the inferior, helpless geek."

"It was not like that Rodney; he was actually slightly bothered that he had angered you. You're Teyla's favorite; he was only tryin' to help."

I huffed and sat back up in my seat and glared out the window. I could see the glow of lights not too far down the road ahead of us.

"We can not talk about this, like now. He's military, career by my guess and we all know I'm always right—don't even say it Radek—it's ingrained in him to be the hero."

I could tell they wanted to say something else; I wouldn't let them.

"For my sixth grade science fair project I made a model of an atomic bomb."

I could hear the awkward silence fill the car for all of three seconds.

"Wow, Rodney, how come you never told us that before?"

"Erm…I didn't think it was that important of a thing to mention."

I heard Radek splutter in the back seat.

"A bomb Rodney, you made bomb and you think we don't want to know! That is why CIA watches you time to time, yes?"

I really need to stop opening my mouth. I felt Carson's hand pat my arm.

"It's okay Rodney; you're allowed to have your secrets. Now, let's enjoy ourselves tonight."

I could only watch as the blinking lights, swirls of light smoke came closer. Did they know how much power it took for them to cause all of those blinking lights, let alone run the stands and rides? Did they know the engineering that went into every ride, every tent, every stand—who was I kidding, carnies were mostly ex-convicts or people who didn't even complete middle school. My life was in the hands of incompetent morons.

As soon as we parked and climbed out, the smell of kettle corn, sugar and fried, greasy food permeated the air and hit me like a brick wall. It smelled like heaven to me and I couldn't have any of it. _Strike one_.

"We're to be meetin' the lot of them near the spinner ride, the one that makes Ronon sick."

We learned that the hard way last year. This was Teyla and John's first visit to the carnival; she moved in in the middle of winter break. We were herded through the entrance corals like a herd of sheep—to which Carson told me I was not allowed to make a joke about, but it's not my fault his family came from a history of sheep herders—and then we headed off into the crowd of yelling, laughing, whispering, talking, germ infested people (_strike two_) towards our group of misfit teenagers.

We saw Ronon before anyone else; he did tower over most people. He grinned and waved quite obnoxiously at us. Radek yelled out an equally obnoxious greeting as we approached them. I inwardly groaned; Laura and Elizabeth were already with our group.

"Hi Carson!"

I rolled my eyes and then watched as Radek slinked over to Elizabeth's side. I glanced over at Teyla who merely smiled at me.

"I did not agree to this."

She turned her smile into a smirk and stepped closer to me. She leaned her forehead against my own—a greeting she said she did with her maternal grandmother.

"Rodney, please, he is my brother and I would trust him with no one other than _you_."

I knew what that meant; I bit my lip and nodded against her head. She stepped back and beamed at me. It was agree or kick my ass and she did that enough Saturday mornings when we'd all head over to Ronon's and practice some moves with giant sticks. She turned to the boy next to her and waved her arm in my direction.

"John, this is Rodney, Rodney, this is John."

He was leaning in a lazy slouch against the pole we were surrounding and he merely smirked at me. He was in civilian clothes and those stupidly obnoxious aviators still atop his head. However, this time, this time I could see the hazel eyes they hid earlier. His mouth quirked into a small smirk and he stood up straight and offered me his hand to shake.

"We already met."

I shook his hand and then I heard Radek chuckle and I glanced over at Teyla. She looked between the two of us and I knew she was piecing things together.

"_You_ were the one that John tried to assist earlier?"

I felt my cheeks flush. Didn't I mention my luck sucks worse than a black-hole? John simply smiled a lazy grin and nodded as he reached up to scratch the back of his neck.

"Let's go ride the ferris-wheel, there's no line!"

I sent a grateful smile to Laura—annoying as she is, she and I had to work on a project in English, it was like we were in each other's minds for a month and a half and so she knew me inside out it seemed—and she just grinned in return. She latched herself to Carson's arm, Radek offered Elizabeth his and to my slight shock, Teyla held her hand out for Ronon to take. I definitely didn't sign up for this. I grumbled to myself and fell in step behind the parade of couples in front of me. I felt a nudge to my shoulder and glanced to my left and realized that John was walking next to me.

"I'm going to assume you're not stupid; I think you can figure out what they're doing."

He chuckled and shrugged his shoulders. A quick glance ahead of me caught Teyla quickly turning back around. I narrowed my eyes at her back. _Strike three_.

"You know, I want to apologize for stepping on your ego earlier. I really _was_ only trying to help, from where I stood and heard, you were on your way to the inside of a locker and I remember that they're not exactly the coziest of places."

"Typical, they'd put me with someone who deflects the conversation to even another topic neither of us are willing to talk about."

I shoved my hands in my pockets and stomped a few paces ahead of him. He fell in step with ease—of course, with a body like that, he could out run Ronon (well maybe)—and nudged me again. I glanced over at him and he gave me a small smile.

"I'm willing to talk about it; I just didn't think you'd want to. How do you know _I_ didn't ask Teyla to let me end up with you?"

"Because someone like you would never want to be seen in the remote general direction of someone like me with even the slightest inclination that we're together."

I did not just say that—I did _not_ just say that! He chuckled and shrugged his shoulders again.

"True but not in the way you're thinking. I like smarts and Teyla's told me you've got plenty. You remember what I was wearing earlier, fatigues, meaning I'm in some for—"

"I'm aware that your country's got some bigoted notion that people who prefer their own gender in relationships shouldn't be permitted to help protect said bigoted country, but I fail to see what _that_ has to do with me. I'm sure wherever you go you'll end up with plenty of notches on your belt all from pretty girls who throw themselves at your feet, very much like every gaggling girl within twenty feet of us who are batting their eyelashes at you, but you don't notice a thing do you?"

He glanced around and reached up to scratch the back of his neck. I glanced over him thoroughly and noticed his ears were pink. He glanced back at me and bit his lip.

"You can't exactly _ask_ me something like that 'cause I can't exactly _tell_ you that answer. So whatever girls you think I'm interested in, I am most certainly _not_."

"Oh."

He smirked down at me and nudged me with his shoulder. I felt my entire body flush.

"John, Rodney, are you not going to ride?"

I glanced back in front of me and stopped short, nearly running into Teyla. She had a smile on her face—I knew that smile, she was mocking us. I glanced over her shoulder and noticed Carson and Laura were climbing into a seat. It rocked as they sat back and the carnie latched their lap bar shut. Carson gave me a small wave and Laura blew me an obnoxious kiss as they noticed me. I watched in a slight odd fascination as Radek and Elizabeth loaded themselves and then as Ronon (who the carnie tried to tell wouldn't fit in the seat _with_ Teyla, then glared at said carnie and he crammed himself in and pulled Teyla close) and Teyla. Then it was our turn. The carnie gave us an odd look.

"Say one word and yo—"

"Thanks Chuck. Stop us at the top would ya?"

John put his hand on the small of my back and gently pushed me into the seat and waited while the carnie—Chuck, apparently, or so says his nametag—latched us in. With a sudden lurch we were moving. We stopped a few seconds later and I heard the call for the last load.

"You don't like heights much do you?"

I didn't even glance his way; I simply stared out in front of me. Taking in the other rides, the tents, the cars passing on the highway, the people below us—I hated heights, especially on a death trap people thought was fun. I felt a hand curl around my own. I glanced down at his hand covering my own and then quickly over at him.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm holding your hand, well I would hold it properly if you'd just let go of the bar. Nothing's going to happen to you. They check all the nuts and bolts before they even take the parts off the trucks."

I blinked at him stupidly—I've never done that before—huh?

"It moves, movement could cause something to come loose, and then what, we'd be a mess of bodies, wire and metal, so not how I would like to die, let alone I have so many scientific theories to prove wrong by the time I'm twenty-five."

He was laughing, out-right laughing at me. I snatched my hands off the railing, away from his in the process and then crossed my arms over my chest.

"It is not funny, I am a certified genius thank you very much, I've worked on things that I can't even tell my own family about, not that they'd actually care in the first place, but still, if they wanted to know, I couldn't tell them. Fine then, laugh it up grunt."

Bad thing to say, bad, bad, very bad thing to say; he had stopped laughing instantly, as soon as that word left my mouth. He pressed himself to my side, causing our seat to swing just a little; his body warmth permeated through my own and I did not like how that was making me feel—at all.

"Now, now Rodney, you've got me all wrong. You imply I'm a whore, or at the _very_ least, I get around and now you're implying I'm a moron. I'll fill you in on a few things, I know that for me to do what I would like to do to you is considered illegal in most states, I'd be dishonorably discharged if I were caught, and I graduate in a year from M.I.T. with a MA in Applied Mathematics. I'm career minded, I need degrees to be promoted and I was permitted to choose my subjects. I like math, always have. It's easy for me."

His breath was hot in my ear and this was so not fair, I'm sixteen years old physically and what he was doing was so not helping me at all. I knew what he was implying; hell I would love to do even half the things that have flashed through my mind.

"I like you Rodney; I've liked you for three months now. Teyla's told me a lot about you and a guy like you never lasts so long as a week around Teyla but she likes you and so I started asking about you. She finally sent me a picture of the three of you; you, her and Ronon. You were just what I had imagined and I did ask to be paired up with you on rides 'cause I wanted to get to know you for myself. I can back off if you want me to. I'll say this though, I'm far from stupid and you are too, I'm not looking for a fling. I'd want the real deal with you and it takes a lot for me to admit something like that."

He scooted back to his side of the seat and simply stared out ahead of us. I glanced too, finally realizing we were actually stopped at the top. It was beautiful. The sky was stretched out in front of us, the only way we'd see the crowds below is if we leant forward and actually looked down. I snuck a glance at him, he was still staring ahead. I could feel my half-hard arousal feeling constricted in my jeans and I inwardly groaned. That must have taken a lot for him to say, Teyla did say he doesn't talk much about his personal life—especially about his birth family…or his feelings.

"I…I've never had…I've never…I've never done anything with another person before, girl or guy. I've never had a relationship, so if that's what you want, I have no idea what to do. I like to work a lot, study a lot and that takes up most of my time and that has to be okay…and I probably suck at emotions more than you do so that, that's something you'd have to deal with and I don't even know much about you aside from you're semi-smart, you're in the Air Force and you're Teyla's brother. You'll have to talk to me 'cause I like talking and I'm a geek, I have very geeky interests and not many people can hold up a conversation that fluctuates between Star Trek and Star Wars, let alone know what I'm actually talking about. I'm allergic to citrus that's why everyone carries epi-pens when we go out, which I hate doing. I like cats and I think you've had me half-hard since I first laid eyes on you this afternoon."

That did not just happen! I felt myself flush with embarrassment. I clenched my eyes shut and counted to ten about sixty times in rapid succession. I felt movement and my eyes shot open when I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder. He pulled me to his side and used his left hand to hold my right. I let him, it felt nice; no one's ever done this to me before. I felt his lips brush my ear as he spoke in a soft tone I doubt anyone other than Teyla's ever heard him use.

"I've got just about as much experience as you do, I can tell you that right now. I grew up for fourteen years in a military household before my parents were killed. I've never been one to be touchy feely, but you, you make me want to touch you; I'm willing to give this a shot if you are."

I could only nod and smile as he pulled me closer to him. Now I understood what girls meant when they'd get butterflies in their stomachs, even though it was just nerves, probably a little gas.


	3. Condemned

"You know, I never expected this quite so soon, I'm kind of freaked out, but okay with it at the same time. You're nothing like what I've ever wanted, but you've proven to me that I, that I'm capable, that I can actually lo—"

I growled.

"Are you _really_ saying this now? Now, when I've got three minutes to prepare myself to go speak to those idiots I'm forced to call my peers? You choose now to say something important?"

He reached up and scratched at his neck, his ears were pink and his cheeks were flushed. He was in his dress blues, crisp and neat and completely beautiful. I smoothed my hands down my gown, tugging at my chords and making sure my cap was stationary.

"You won't let me say it will you?"

I sighed and finally met his gaze in the mirror. His eyes looked more green than hazel in blue; he was dressed for the occasion. Today was graduation and he was showing respect for his sister, just as other military grunts were for their families.

"It's not that I don't want to hear it, I just…I'm sixteen years old, we both leave for college in a few months. You go back to being just what that uniform expects you to be."

"You said you were okay with that, that you'd—I said I'd work on it!"

"I guess I was wrong; it does happen, just not very often."

"I love you."

I closed my eyes, cutting off my line of sight to his reflection. There was a knock on the door and it cracked open, Elizabeth poked her head in and smiled.

"They're ready for us to line up, oh, hello John."

I just nodded and turned, only opening my eyes when I knew he would not be in my line of sight. I could see the questions dancing through her eyes the moment ours met. She tossed a smile over my shoulder as I walked out behind her. She fell in step beside me and dropped her hand to reach for my own and gave it a squeeze.

"You remembered not to call us all idiots right? I don't think my parents would appreciate their second best being called an idiot on her graduation day."

I smiled and squeezed her hand back. I needed the distraction from what I just walked away from into what I was about to walk into. I hated people; I hated speaking to them, more so in front of them. It wasn't that I was nervous; I just didn't like anyone except for my friends. I knew I was the top student, I knew it since my freshman year.

"Ah, there you are Miss Weir and Mr. McKay, we're ready for you two to take point and lead your class to the auditorium."

Mr. Landry gave a curt nod, dismissing us. We walked up the line of students, some making comments at the two of us, others caught up in their friends around them.

"I guess it's a good thing I'm second to graduate, otherwise I think I'd be in the back with Radek and I doubt I could remain that patient."

"Or pay attention."

-x-

"We did it buddy!"

I felt myself lift off the ground.

"Ronon!"

I heard his laugh in my ear as he put me back down. He scooped up Radek, who yelled in Czech, but he was all smiles so it must have been pleasant. I felt a hand on my shoulder, I met Teyla's warm gaze. She turned me so I was facing her and then we did the forehead thing.

"I am most proud of you, you did wonderful on your speech, but I am not ignorant to what else you did today. We will discuss this later; however, tonight is not the time. Tonight we celebrate as our group of friends; tomorrow morning, during practice, perhaps we will discuss what you have done?"

I nodded as she smiled. I turned to look around, parents and families hadn't filed in yet, it was strictly still us graduates. Groups of friends were merging together, getting in their last goodbyes before families came in.

"What did you do _Mer_?"

I tensed as arms wrapped around me from behind. I knew those arms, those hands and that voice.

"I screwed up; I did the cowardly thing and walked away from him."

I heard and felt her sigh against me. She squeezed me, offering comfort but her sigh was disproval at the same time.

"He's been here a month, he's held back going to his apartment in California just to spend time with you, here. Guys don't just do that Mer, they don't. It's June, you don't leave till August, why are you so adamant to let things go?"

I shrugged her off and turned to face her. Her bright smile faltered once she realized I wasn't exactly thrilled with what I had done.

"He told me he loves me."

She just stared at me, hard.

"And you got scared."

I nodded and she pulled me to her again—a real embrace this time.

"Don't let him get away 'cause you're scared Rodney. I think he's just as terrified."

I heard the doors open and cheers and squeals; I glanced at Laura who just smiled and nodded. She let go of me and I watched her slink away into the mass of graduates and families. I sighed to myself as I took in the bright smiles, the hugs that were surrounding me—I doubt my parents even realized what today was.

"Mer! Mer! Where are you Mer?"

I knew that voice—Jeannie. Jeannie was here. I noticed her bright head of curls darting between people.

"I'm here Jeannie."

Maybe I was wrong, maybe she got them to come. She got through the last sets of families and stopped short and just grinned up at me. She was wearing the dress I had gotten her for her birthday and her favorite pair of red shoes.

"They didn't come, I snuck out. I called Teyla's grandma and she came and picked me up. I didn't want to miss this day for you. Congratulations big brother!"

I knelt down and held my arms open and she launched herself at me. She attached herself to around my neck and then I stood up, an armful of nine-year-old genius girl. She was laughing as I twirled us around, a smile—no, a grin—finally erupting on my face.

"Want to get out of here, get some ice-cream?"

She let out a laugh and nodded against my neck. I set her down and she took my hand and we made our way through the crowd. I glanced around at my peers; Laura gave a big wave and blew me a kiss as we walked by. Carson called out a hello, his parents waved as well. A hand on my arm stopped me, causing Jeannie to jerk to a stop.

"I hoped to get a picture of all of us before you left, is that alright?"

"Little sister!"

Jeannie squealed in laughter as Ronon lifted her up without any effort at all and spun her around. She squeezed him the best she could in a hug. Teyla smiled at them as she tucked herself around my arm and led us over to where Carson and Laura were standing. Elizabeth and Radek weren't far away.

"Merri, how are you laddie? Haven't seen you around in a while, and look at you Miss Jeannie, growing up beautiful as ever."

She smiled over at Carson's father and said thanks. His mum pulled me in for a hug and kissed my cheek.

"Been busy taking care of her, sir, you know how things are."

He gave me a sad smile and a slight nod.

"Teyla!"

Aiden, another of the adoptive siblings, he's Jeannie's age, came barreling through the crowd and attached himself to Teyla's legs. I glanced up once I heard the soft chuckle of her grandmother.

"Aiden, calm down buddy, we don't want to lose you."

"You won't John! I promised to behave today, I'm doing so good!"

My heart raced as he chuckled; I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

"Rodney, love, congratulations; I hope you don't mind I picked up a straggler. She didn't want to miss this for the world. I couldn't very well break her heart."

I smiled and nodded before walking over to her and letting her pull me in for a hug. I kissed her cheek and she patted my cheek in return.

"You've done well my boy, you've done well. You're coming over right? It wouldn't be the same if you weren't there, Johnny can give you a ride if you'd like."

She gave me a look, she knew, she knew everything. I bit my lip and shook my head.

"I've got to get Jeannie back home, our parents worry about her, especially if she just up and disappears like she did. I'll be there."

I felt two sets of arms wrap around my legs and glanced down at two smiling faces.

"But Mer, I can go with you and play with Aiden!"

"We'll be good, we promise!"

"Please!"


	4. The Long Goodbye

I knew it was a stupid move the moment I gave in to my thirst. Aiden spilled one of his Sunny D's in the cooler of sodas; I had to go into the house—alone—to get a drink that wouldn't kill me the moment I touched it. I loved the Ford's house; it was so homey, so lived in, so familial. I slid open the back patio door, closed it behind me and padded my way into the dimly lit kitchen. I glanced at the artwork on the fridge, finger paintings, crayon drawings, and pictures of all of the kids.

I opened the door and took in my choices, soda, water, tea or non-citrusy juice. I picked up a bottle of water and closed the door. I could feel something off about the air around me—I wasn't alone anymore.

"I know you're there."

He stepped out from around the corner. He lent against the counter and looked at everything but me.

"You can't run away from me every time something scares you Rodney."

I squeezed the bottle of water before turning to face him fully. He finally met my gaze and I just glared at him.

"I'm not scared and it wasn't a stupid decision for me to walk away while I still could. You don't get it do you John?"

He moved to speak but I didn't let him. I couldn't, if he said anything I'd give in.

"I'm _sixteen_. You're twenty-one. You're also in the Air Force; you can get in huge trouble for just being with a male, let alone a minor. I won't let you chance that kind of trouble, not when it'll compromise your dreams. Just because your family turns a blind eye doesn't mean your CO's will."

I bit my lip—I had no idea where that came from. He just smiled at me and crossed the kitchen. He stood arms reach away from me and just smiled. I hated that all he had to do was that and I'd feel like an idiot for even saying something—I knew it and he knew it too.

"I've spent _two months_ here, two months _away_ from the life I've created for myself on the other side of the country, just to be here with you. Two months of getting to know the smartest guy I'll ever know, two months of falling in love for the first time and all the while you knew the risks we were taking. Two months of dating and now, _now_ you want to tell me we can't do this anymore?"

He had moved closer with each word; our foreheads were pressed together, his breath fluttered down and across my face. My heart was racing and I just ached for him to hold me and tell me that I was being foolish, that we really could do this. I closed my eyes and pushed him away. His eyes met my own and then I saw it, the recognition, the defiant acceptance of what I was doing. His whole body seemed to slump as he gave a solemn nod.

"You…you would…you're doing this now so you wouldn't…wouldn't have…have to write me a letter."

I cast my gaze to the floor. Ignoring how our shadows were leaning into each other. I could hear the pain in his voice—I _felt_ it course through my body with every beat of my heart. Adults knew what they were saying when they didn't want their teenagers to fall in love. When it ended it hurt.

"**Godammit**! You don't get to make this choice without me! You can't, you can't do this. I'll wait for you if that's what you're worried about, we can, we can put this on hold for the next year and a half…just _don't_…_don't **do** this_…we both know you don't want to…but if you say it, just _tell_ me that you don't want me anymore and I'll leave."

I finally looked up at him once more; I was hurting him, probably more than I was myself. Logic was taking over; I was a minor, granted nothing sexual (well extremely) has occurred between us, he could get in trouble for that alone. I think I love him too. I took a deep breath and whispered, barely audible.

"Go."

"Alright, I'll go. I want you to have this though, a gift. Please accept it."

I felt my eyes water. I slumped to the floor, letting my back slide down the cabinet behind me. He walked away from me without a backwards glance. He didn't go outside, he went upstairs. I glanced up at the counter, on the corner sat a small box with a bow on it. Blue, always blue—_every time I see that color I'll think of you and your beautiful eyes_. I reached up and grabbed the box, taking the bow off and tossing it on the floor.

I was making the right choice, right? I mean, I am only sixteen years old; I've just graduated from high school and was the most unpopular kid in existence there. Out of no where comes John Sheppard, beautiful man and apparently attracted to me. Me, who has yet to fill into my body; me, who's IQ is double the average Joe's, me, who despite my genius is a complete and utter idiot.

I couldn't go upstairs—or rather I _shouldn't_—but hey, I'm being a moron here. I quietly crept up the stairs, making sure to avoid the creaky spots. Once I got to the top landing, I heard his guitar strumming. Some awful country tune, but I walked slowly to his door and listened. _I will let you down, I will make you hurt_. I slid down the wall and just listened. _You are someone else, I am still right here. What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know, goes away in the end_.

The strumming stopped and then it was quiet, like he wasn't even moving. I heard him sigh, which turned into a growl of frustration. I bit my lip. I shouldn't be here, I told him to go and yet I can't leave him alone. I moved to get up but I heard him mumbling, he was talking to himself. I peeked through the crack in the doorway; he was pacing now, flailing his arms as he spoke to himself. I squeezed the small box in my hand, glancing down, I decided to open it. I popped off the top and my breath caught. Lying on top of tissue were his dog tags.

I climbed to my feet and shoved his door open and went straight to his side and put my arms around him. I buried my nose in his chest, inhaling his scent, burning it to memory. His arms wrapped around me, just as fiercely as I was holding on to him. Mentally and emotionally I was at least his age, physically, well I was every bit of awkward.

"You remember that night on the ferris wheel?"

I nodded into his chest as he pulled me closer. His hands clinging to me, one tangled in my hair and the other in my shirt.

"I think I loved you then."

I choked on my breath and just clung to him tighter. I felt my eyes sting and for once, for once I didn't care if he saw me cry. As he led me over to his bed and laid me down, I knew I wasn't the only one shedding tears.

-x-

I turned away from his lips, allowing them to ghost over my cheek.

"I _can't_."

I ache at the pain that flashes through his eyes—it's the same reflected in my own. I break our gaze to glance over my shoulder at the sleeping bundle in the back seat. He bites his lip—so not helping—and nods. I pat his shoulder awkwardly and climb out of the car. I open the back door, gently pulling the sleeping Jeannie into my arms.

I can feel him watching me as I make my way up the walk to the front door. I glance over my shoulder and he offers a wave. I make-due and open the door. I hear his car pull off and a smile makes its way across my face. I shift Jeannie, and turn around and freeze. My father's standing on the first landing of the stairs, arms folded and I can tell, even in the moonlight, he's angry.

"Who was that _man_ Meredith?"

"Can you let me put her down to bed?"

He gave a curt nod and took the rest of the stairs down. He was heading to his study; I was in trouble. It didn't matter that I just hit a milestone in my youth—he probably saw us in the car. I steeled myself as I carried Jeannie upstairs to her room. I tuck her in, removing her shoes and press a kiss to her forehead. As I move to stand her hand fists my shirt.

"Mer?"

I smile down at her as she cracks one eye open.

"Yeah?"

"You could've gave John a goodbye kiss, I wouldn't have told."

She closes her eye and smiles at me—that girl is too smart for her own good. I kiss her forehead once again and whisper goodnight and head out of her room. I could easily lock myself in my own room, but that's the coward's way out. I straightened my shoulders and made my way down stairs to my father's study. With each step I tried my damndest to steel my resolve. I stopped just outside of the already open door and let out a breathless sigh.

"Close the door."

He wasn't even sitting down—he saw something. He had to have to be acting like this. I took a few steps in, closing the door behind me and moved to the center of the room. His back was to me as he glanced out the window. I was not going to speak first—I never did, not when I had to come in here.

"Who was that?"

If I was even eighty points lower in IQ I'd have blurted out _my boyfriend_ but I'm not that dense.

"John Sheppard, Teyla's older brother. He offered to give Jeannie and I a ride home to save their grandmother the trouble of driving so late."

He finally turned to face me, his gaze calculating everything about me. I could see it, he knew I wasn't telling him everything, but I wasn't lying so he couldn't call me on it and that, that made him angrier.

"Why were you out so late, let alone with your sister?"

"I graduated today, she wanted to come."

I saw something flash through his eyes briefly before they steeled once again. Perhaps it was a fleeting moment of sorrow.

"You're far from stupid Meredith, but you're such an idiot sometimes. Do you think that whatever it is between you and that man will last? That someone like him will actually hold on to a summer fling with the likes of someone like you? He's in college, a junior, and you're still a minor despite the events of today."

My eyes widened—how did he know?

"Oh, you thought I never paid you enough attention? I don't, however, your mother is the one that found you out. She was out with her friends just last week; they chose to see a movie. By chance they happened upon the same one you went to. You will end whatever it is and I will not ruin that man's life, do you understand me? You're a child still, despite what that brain of yours thinks. Do it now or I'll do it for the _both_ of you."

He walked to his desk and picked up the phone and handed it out to me. With a shaky hand I took it and dialed the number for his cell. I listened to three rings before I heard his voice. My heart was pounding, my chest felt heavy and my hand was still shaking. I steeled my gaze and spoke.

"I'm done. Goodbye."

I kept my gaze hard, cruel and focused on the man in front of me. I clicked off the phone, ignoring the outburst through the tiny speaker, cutting John off short. I tossed the phone on the floor and spun on my heel and left. I slammed the door behind me as I made my way up to my room.

_I think I loved you then._

My eyes watered and tears fell as I crumpled to my floor. I remember that night at the movies. It wasn't our first date; it was just one of the many we've had. The lights were out, the film was playing and I felt lips on my neck. I smiled at the memory and then another statement came back to me—_that's not my son, my son's not a fag_. I was too caught up in John that night to realize I had actually heard a woman say that—woman that turned out to be my mother.

I heard my door open and close and the sound footsteps come closer. I felt small arms wrap around me and a head of curls land on my face—Jeannie. She clung to me and I moved so I could cling to her too.

"Daddy didn't mean it, Mer, promise, he didn't."

I let a broken smile surface. If she could believe it, so could I.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm not sure how most of you will feel about this chapter. There's bits I'm not thrilled with, but the majority are important to the next chapter .

The next chapter is also my last pre-written chapter so after that I'm not sure how often I'll update. I've work and classes that take up my free time to write.

Thank you for those that have read so far (and decided to keep on reading).

Also, if there's any mishaps, my apologies; I try to capture them all on my own.


	5. The Kindred

"Rodney, it is all wrong! Tell her it is all wrong! She will not listen to me."

I glanced over the top of my computer screen at Radek; we worked together at one of the research labs in the city. I glanced over his shoulder at the woman he was speaking about; a voo-doo practitioner. Medical doctors, they think they know everything.

"Dr. Whatever-your-name-is, this is a lab, one that requires degrees in _science_, not whatever it is you call a doctorate. We know what we're doing; we have all the information we need on the computers so get out before I find someone who can escort you out."

She let out a fake affronted gasp. She then merely smirked at me.

"McKay, I've heard all about you and your larger than life ego, if you think for one minute you intimidate me with that brain of yours, you're sorely mistaken. I'm a civilian for a military operation; I've learned to be immune to loud barkers. I was chosen to come ask that the two of you meet me up in the conference room for a briefing."

I spared a quick glance at Radek; we knew what statements like that meant. Someone was looking into our files and found something that they want from us. We've been a package deal for the past four years since we graduated high school. I've finished my first doctorate and halfway through my second and third. Radek's on his first.

"Gentlemen, if you'll follow me."

We weren't being given an option, not till after we read and signed confidentiality agreements. We were led up to the main level and into one of the conference rooms. A woman with dark hair sat at the head with a man in glasses and two military uniforms on the right and left of her. I sighed, as we sat down and they handed out a rather thick stack of papers; a two inch thick confidentiality agreement—that's a first.

I skimmed the first three pages, then the tenth, then the forty-eighth and then went to the end; nothing new stood out, nothing at all interesting; yet another military contingent looking for brilliant minds to save their sorry asses when brawn couldn't come up with the solution.

"I've seen this all before, and as I've said, I'm not interested. Don't play the money card with me; I've managed for the past four years. I'll sign but I don't want to hear what you have to say."

The woman smirked and gave me a nod, the two men in uniform merely stared and the man in glasses looked slightly crest-fallen. I scratched my signature and exited the room. If Radek wanted to, he could, we never held each other back. I made my way back towards the elevators to take me down when the receptionist stopped me.

"Dr. McKay, you've a message from a Carson Beckett, he said to call him back at your earliest convenience. His number is on the memo."

I took the offered scrap of paper and nodded and continued on my way. Carson, that meant he was done his four years at medical school. I hurried down to the lab and fished out my cell phone; I wasn't going to use the land line, I wasn't stupid.

"Hullo?"

"Hi Carson."

"Rodney! Tis good to hear your voice; I've a wee break 'fore I head back to school. Radek still with you? Laura's home, an' she invited me to the carnival an' I thought maybe, for old time's sake, you two would like to come too. Teyla's here, said she would love to see an old friend. Ronon's got training so he won't be home for another eight months, but most of us'll be there."

Home meant memories, meant Jeannie still with our parents; the carnival meant John. John meant all the things I've tried to burry under my work the past four years. I turned eighteen two years ago, I never wrote to him, I never even contacted him. Not since the night in my father's study. I still have his dog-tags.

"Rodney, you still there?"

"Oh, um, sorry Carson, I uh…I zoned out for a minute…um sure, the carnival sounds great. I'll uh, I'll see if Radek wants to come."

I hung up before he could respond; home meant John. I was not ready for that can of worms, not in the slightest.

-x-

"Oh come off it you big geek, nothing is going to happen!"

I glared at the blonde girl in the front seat.

"Cadman just shut up. You have no id—"

"John's brought company—_female_company, so don't even worry about having to spend time with him."

I could tell she didn't mean that the moment she said those words. I bit my lip and stared out the window, not even Carson or Radek could find something to say. I just watched as the trees passed by, opening up to the massive field that qualified as parking. That familiar glow of cheap lights; and as we parked and climbed out, that smell of disgusting yet delicious food.

It still looked the same, sounded the same; the laughter and screams of kids and teenagers, the same little groups that clung together, and the adults that stood off to the side, simply observing their offspring.

"Rodney! Radek! I have missed you deeply; it is so good to see you."

Teyla came out of no where and gave us each a hug that ended with her pressing her forehead to ours. I glanced over her shoulder and noticed a young man, blue eyes that could rival my own and he grinned at me, offering a small wave.

"Rodney, this is Evan, Evan this is Rodney."

He chuckled and stepped forward, offering me his hand.

"She's told me a lot about you Doc, nice to finally meet you."

I took his hand and shook it, trying to figure out why I couldn't even _say_ something. Those blue eyes danced with amusement, he was expecting me to at least say something. I felt myself flush as I nodded dumbly in response.

"Don't get shy on me Doc; I hear you're far from quiet."

They all laughed and I felt myself flush even more.

"Tis true, Rodney never knows how to say things to pretty face."

Evan chuckled and I flushed even more at Radek's outburst. Teyla, Laura and Carson were all laughing, outright laughing at me. I glanced around, trying to find an out as well as something to say, finally I spotted a short line.

"Let's get on a ride; I see the bumper cars don't have a long line."

Without a glance I walked off, attempting to ignore the chuckles that began to follow me.

* * *

**A/N:** I skipped four years on purpose, but no worries, they will be revisited.

As I stated in the previous chapter, this is my last pre-written chapter; updates will be based on when I have the free time outside of work and classes...but maybe if I'm pressured enough I can _find_ the time to do something about it.

I'm still debating on involving Atlantis and bits of the actual series, or if I should just keep it strictly AU. Any thoughts or suggestions? I'm quite open to such things.


	6. The Kindred Part Two

I handed over my three tickets that permitted entrance to the slew of twelve bumper cars spread before me. I took my time choosing, hoping a line had formed and all of my _friends_ couldn't get in this round. I spied the lone blue car and made a beeline for it.

"Aww, Rawdney, don't be a poor sport, we only tease you 'cause we love you!"

I tensed at Laura's obnoxious drawl of my name, however, the smile that I didn't let them see at her declaration of love, well that warmed me a little. I knew they all cared, we were a tight knit group; it was just nice to hear how much. I dropped the smile and turned around, noticing she and Carson were in the green and silver cars in front of my shiny blue one. Teyla smiled at me from a pink one and Radek, well I had lost sight of him and the blue eyed pretty face…erm, Evan.

I climbed in and waited for that small bell, signaling electricity was now running and all the magnets were working above us to allow movement. I was jolted left and right, a huge grin erupted across my face; this was my favorite ride. It was so much fun and permitted me a few moments to just let go—physically and literally. I heard Radek's laugh and glanced at the car that just slammed into my right side. I grinned and laughed right back at him before running into a father and daughter in another pink car.

The small bell sounded a few minutes later and our cars slowed to a stop. Mine bumped into another with its last oomph of energy and I froze when my eyes met the driver's.

"You should smile more like that Doc, it looks good on you."

I felt myself flush as I climbed out and steadied myself on my feet. I continued to smile at him though—I hope that was a plus.

"I'm usually not this inarticulate…I, I um, apologize about that. How, how do you know Teyla?"

He chuckled and started heading towards the exit.

"I'm actually Aiden's Assistant Coach for his soccer team. I work at the art gallery downtown."

"Oh…is, is that something you like then? Obviously, I mean someone your age wouldn't have a job they hated…well maybe, but you kno—"

I felt a finger press against my lips.

"Doc, you're rambling."

I pulled back and scoffed; my cheeks tinting pink once again. My arms began to flail with every word I spoke.

"I can't help it! It's a nervous habit! Radek wasn't lying, I get all flustered when I'm confronted with pretty faces…and I say stupid things like that."

He smiled and held the exit gate open for me and followed me over to a near by bench. The others weren't too far behind; or so I hoped.

"Tell you what, how about we go find something to eat—_without any citrus_—and then we'll see how you feel about walking around with me for a bit. Sound good to you?"

I raised my brow at him. Did he know what he was asking? Did he know what shoes he was attempting to fill? I moved to speak but he cut me off.

"Look, I know your past isn't…it's not…I'm not looking to use you if that's what you're thinking. You truly live up to everything Teyla and Aiden have told me and I wanted to meet you myself. If you're not looking for anything right now that's fine, I can settle with just friends. Doc…Rodney, I, I'm not…"

He was fumbling for something to say; I could tell by the look on his face he knew about John. I glanced over his shoulder at the others, standing just a few feet off from us. Watching and waiting.

"Evan, let's…we'll just see how tonight goes and if something's there well…there's always a movie to catch or dinner to eat."

Both of us seemed shocked at my outburst. There hasn't been anyone since John and I think he knows that. I offered him a shy smile, one he freely returned.

"What do you say we go get that bite to eat, guys are you hungry? I am."

Laura slinked over to me first, putting her arm around my shoulder, glancing over at Evan, measuring him it seemed.

"Sure thing Mer, whatever you want."

I cringed at her use of my given name and started walking off towards the direction of the food stands. I could hear their feet shuffling along behind me. She caught back up easily, replacing her arm across my shoulder and leaning into me as we walked; talking only loud enough for the other to hear.

"So what were you and that gorgeous hunk of meat talking about; all smiles and pink cheeks?"

"Ah, that my dear Laura, is none of your business."

She merely glanced at me, giving me that look—you know the one where they know you're bullshitting and you know you're going to spill the beans anyway—_that_ look. I felt a shy smile erupt as I met her now curious gaze.

"I intrigue him apparently, and we're just going to see how tonight goes. He asked if he and I could walk around ourselves for a bit later."

She stopped walking, tugging my arm, causing me to stop with her. Radek ran into us, he laughed before continuing on with the others. She stared at me, she knew I've dated no one since John; the others, they thought I've been on dates that have never worked out. She waved the others on and didn't speak till they were more than plenty of yards away.

"Do you mean it?"

I bit my lip and looked down at the ground before meeting her eyes. I nodded.

"I think so…I mean, it's time really, don't you think? Four years is a long time and I…I shouldn't be holding out like this…I was the one that ended things…do you know anything about him?"

She brought a hand up and cupped my cheek and smiled at me.

"Oh, Rodney, you are capable of doing whatever you want. If you think you're ready than you're ready. I can't make that choice for you. Grandma Ford's throwing her usual big cookout Sunday, if she knows you and Radek are in town she'll force you to come. Evan's been going for the past two years. Since John's home, he and his company will be there too."

I nodded—I'd have to face him eventually.

"You didn't answer me woman."

She dropped her hand and smiled that smile of hers.

"Of course I know him! Who do you think taught him all his security moves? A guy like that doesn't come from a normal family, but that's a story he'll have to tell you. He's a good guy and he'll treat you right. I know that was never an issue with you and John, but I just want you to know that he won't disrespect you…you'd also be his first date since his last break up, a year and a half ago…but that too is a story only he can tell you."

I looked at her, taking in her words.

"Thanks."

She grinned and turned, linking our arms together.

"Sure thing, now, let's say, for old times sake, we get two large boardwalk fries and that monstrous funnel cake you love so much and show these people how to eat fair food."

I ginned in return and led us in the direction of the two stands we needed to buy from. Evan was no John Sheppard, but I guess I've been holding on to something that was lost—my own doing—years ago. It was time to move on; he surely had.


	7. Duet

**A/N:** This is mostly filler-ish...except for the end!

* * *

"Come now Rodney, play a song for an old woman."

I felt myself flush at Grandma Ford's words; she always loved to hear the piano.

"You know none of these rug-rats ever had the patience to sit and play, half way through a song they'd up and start something else. Please an old woman, everyone else it outside, it's just you and me, besides, I know who you're waiting for."

I smiled and flushed at her kind, warm face. She sat back in her chair, the one that sat directly by the window; slowly rocking herself back and forth as I cracked my knuckles—bad habit. Her eyes dancing with unashamed amusement as she simply stared, knowing I could never tell her no.

"Anything in particular you'd like to hear?"

"Oh no, no, no, you go on and pick the song. I just want to listen…play me something from your heart dear."

She smiled and closed her eyes, the soft squeak of the chair on the hardwood floor relaxing the both of us. I tinkered with a few keys, testing their tune; perfect. I took a deep breath, listening to the laughter and friendly shouts coming from just outside. I started off slowly, apprehensively—I'd never played this song for anyone before.

It was the song that I wrote not too long after that night I said goodbye to John; she had to know—she had to. I closed my eyes, getting lost in the keys and the music and the emotions I fought so hard these past few years to keep at bay. I let them all out; it was just an old lady and I, no one else was here to witness my fierce vulnerability.

As I swayed and nodded to the beat I had created, slowing, quieting, finally reaching the song's end, I heard a soft gasp and my eyes burst open—thankfully my fingers kept playing. I met the startled blue and felt my insides swell with a sense of relief; everything I was letting out was reflected in those bright, blue eyes. I kept our gazes steady as I brought the song to a close; it wasn't till Grandma offered a soft clap that I realized she was here too.

My cheeks reddened once again as I met her knowing gaze; she simply smiled and climbed to her feet. She crossed the room towards me, putting her hands on my shoulders and bending to kiss my forehead.

"Thank you Rodney, I think I needed that just as much as you did. You've let it all out; don't let it burden you anymore. And hello Evan, dear, I'm glad you could make it, have you said your hellos to everyone else?"

His cheeks were pink too; I smiled to myself.

"Yes, ma'am, and I thank you for the invite."

"Oh nonsense boy, you're always so polite, I never know what to do with myself when you're around!"

She moved to wave him over, pulling him in for a hug when he was just an arm's reach away. She mumbled something in his ear that had him turning pinker as he met my gaze over her shoulder.

"I hope you boys enjoy yourselves this afternoon."

She gave us each a look before waving us off and headed out towards the kitchen then out the back door. I fiddled with my fingers in my lap as we stared at each other. He took the few steps it took to reach the piano bench and sat down beside me.

"I didn't know you played, and so well too. Did you write that song?"

I nodded and shyly ducked my head. He chuckled and tinkered with a few keys.

"I could tell. No matter what their forte is, an artist is always noticeable."

I gave him an odd side glance and he smiled.

"I've played since I was able. At twelve one of my teacher's told me I was technically efficient, however, I lacked passion. I told him jealousy is unbecoming and walked out. What do you do?"

"I paint…draw too, but mostly paint. Some charcoals as well, but mostly paint; all kinds. You eat already?"

I nodded.

"You up for that walk you never gave me the other night?"

I flushed but climbed to my feet. I offered him my hand, to help him up, he took it and held on for longer than necessary. I didn't mind. This was new and it was exciting again and this time my body wouldn't react like a hormonal sixteen year old. He was about to say something when the door in the kitchen burst open and in stumbled a giggling woman I've never seen before. Aiden stumbled in behind her, Jeanie attached to his hand—really?

"—den you are so funny! Jeanie, how do you control him?"

I heard her giggle—I found myself aching at missing it.

"Easy, with a brother like mine, men are so simple to please."

The brunette in the lead finally noticed Evan and I—who were still holding hands. Her eyes widened in recognition of him, then let her gaze fall to our hands, she grinned.

"Evan! Is this the lovely Mer we've heard so much about?"

My name had two more heads popping around the corner, Jeanie lit up and bolted across the room and flung herself to me. I wrapped my arms around her; I really was a horrible brother.

"Mer! How come you didn't tell me you were going to be here? I saw Radek outside; I should've known you'd be here too!"

Brunette smiled and Aiden looked a bit apprehensive to approach me. I glanced down at Jeanie's blonde curls and then back up at him, remembering their joined hands and shoved her away from me. I narrowed my gaze at her, and then pointedly glanced at Aiden. Her cheeks tinged pink and I let out a laugh.

"Oh hush you, we're dating. Mom and Dad are quite thrilled with the match and his family adores me."

She reached her hand out for him and he stepped forward, linking their fingers together.

"It was great to see you; it's only been what, four years big brother? Phone calls and emails are not enough, but anyway, Grandma wanted some peaches, so we all came to get some. We'll be on our way, didn't mean to interrupt you and Evan. Hi, Evan! Bye Evan, bye Mer!"

She giggled and led Aiden back to the kitchen, both their heads bowed together, whispering to each other, sending the occasional odd glance over their shoulders. I glanced at Evan, who was flushed and nodding at odd intervals to whatever the brunette was whispering in his ear. I let out a small cough and they parted.

"Hello Mer, my name's Nancy. Evan has told me a lot about you, it's nice to finally meet you."

She held out her hand and I shook it, smiling—a legit polite one—in return. The door opened once again, I heard muffled greetings and then the door shut. In the entry way stood John; he froze mid-step, eyes stuck on me, the brunette—Nancy—and our joined hands. It took me all of two seconds to realize that Nancy was his _company_. I pulled my hand back and glanced over her shoulder at him. He was nervous.

I felt Evan step closer to my side, putting his hand on the small of my back—for once that territorial notion did not bother me. I had to remember, he had moved on and I had let him go.

"John, there you are! This is the Mer that Evan was going on non-stop the other day about…well the one he and Laura were going non-stop about. John, do you know Mer? Mer, do you know John?"

Her voice faltered, she was finally picking up on the tension that lingered between John and I. I know he wouldn't speak up so I did.

"Yes, we go back a few years. It's been that many at least."

"Ho—how, how are you?"

I raised an eyebrow at his stutter and leaned into Evan's side, his arm curling around my waist.

"I'm great, just about to go on a walk with Evan actually. We had said our hellos and did our rounds, now we're spending the rest of the evening together. How about you?"

Nancy gave him a wide grin and glanced back at me.

"Can I tell him?"

I could tell by the fear that flashed through his eyes that I should've been prepared for the next words to come out of her mouth, but as I've said before, even I have my moments.


	8. The Queen

His head gave the slightest of nods and she turned back to face me, a rather large and overly happy grin was plastered on her face. I braced myself.

"John and I are on leave for another twelve days and the family wanted to do something nice for him, us, while we were still out here together. If you're still around Rodney, you're more than welcome to join our engagement party this coming weekend!"

I didn't let my gaze slide over to his—or glance down at her left hand, I couldn't do it. I forced the largest grin I could manage and offered her congratulations. I felt Evan's arm tense and his fingertips rub small circles over my hip.

"Again, congratulations, but I'm only free till tomorrow evening. Radek and I head back to our flat in the city for work, we were lucky to get off these few days."

My heart was racing and I hoped my face wasn't flush; that would be embarrassing. Nancy smiled in understanding.

"Of course, I understand. You two do very important work right? Some sort of physics? Um, astrophysics was it?"

A real smile emerged; Evan's telling I'm sure, but I nodded.

"Yes, we're under so many confidentiality reports it's hard to say what we can actually share."

"I completely understand. I'm a contractor for a few different military operations. John told me you have a gift, you're a genius; I dare say I feel so out of place when I talk to people who even hold one doctorate and Evan said you have two."

She went on for a while, both of us conversing rather easily with each other. I could feel myself relaxing around her, although the tension in the air had yet to dissipate. She had moved closer to me each statement she made; her hand was now on my arm.

"Come now Rodney, let's let the boys be boys and we'll have us some bonding time of our own."

I felt lips press against my temple and I inwardly sighed.

"Actually Nancy, _Mer_ and I were about to go on a walk. I have to head home early; I have a long day tomorrow ahead of me. New enrollments; I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could before he heads back to the city."

"Of course, I'm sorry! I hadn't realized I was interrupting something. Well Rodney, it was very nice to finally meet you. If Evan gives you any grief let me know and I'll sick John on him."

She lent in and pecked my cheek and then moved to do the same to Evan before slinking back over and practically molding herself to John's side. We said our goodbyes and Evan took my hand and led me out of the front door, his thumb comfortably rubbing along my own as we walked away from the house.

"I'm not sure if there's a proper way for me to thank you, I don't think I could've stood being in her presence anymore."

He chuckled.

"She's a character and John's lucky to have her."

"I know."

I choked those words out and as Evan tightened his fingers through mine, I knew he knew too. We continued in silence; what could you really say to that? Damn my father; I should've never made that phone call…oh who am I kidding, I should've made _that_ phone call the moment I turned eighteen. That's what he was waiting for, he held out for that long and even longer.

"Rodney, don't beat yourself up about this…it…it was bound to happen to one or both of yo—"

I put my finger to his lips.

"Come with me. Don't question it, just come with me."

I stopped us and turned us around and headed back towards the house, more specifically my car. I unlocked it and climbed in, motioning for Evan to do the same. I drove the five minutes it took to get to my parents house; I had commandeered the loft above the garage when I turned eighteen.

I pulled the car up to the curb and got out, ushering Evan to follow me, quickly and quietly—I didn't know if my parents were home and if they were, I didn't need them knowing I was too. We quickly went up the stairs and I jiggled the key into the lock how it was supposed to and finally opened the door.

It was as I had last left it; a mess. I heard the door shut behind me and I spun around and pinned Evan to the door and covered his mouth with my own; my hands grabbing at his waist, moving around, fiddling with the hem of his tee, shifting, yanking, all to get at the warm flesh beneath. I felt his hands grasp my biceps, his fingertips digging in, holding on; his lips moved with mine, not in sync but it was enough to borderline desperate and perfection.

I pressed him further into the door, the old glass panels jingling beneath the flimsy curtain with each move. His tongue is tracing my bottom lip, teasing me to open up for him—I do. His breaths, harsh and uneven flutter down my cheek through his nostrils, his hands inch upwards ever so slowly till his fingers are so wrapped up in my hair I'm not sure where it ends and he begins.

I grind my hips into his, meeting a rapidly growing bulge; one or both of us whimpers, I can't really tell. His teeth nip my bottom lip as he sucks it in, pulsing, slow sucks that have me aching with a want I haven't felt in a long time. I pull back and look hard into his eyes and step backwards, removing myself from his personal space.

"Evan, I…you can leave now because if we go any further I won't be able to stop myself and, and…and you, you deserve better than my desperate attempts a—mmph."

His hand covered my mouth and his lips were in a slight smirk; all pink and swollen, they looked delicious—they were.

"Rodney, we're both adults. Consenting I might add. If I didn't want this I would have never gotten in the car with you."

He moved his hand, cupping my jaw, swiping his thumb gently across my bottom lip. He moved closer, our eyes never parting. He moved till we were chest to chest, my eyes closed as he lent in and pressed his lips to mine. As this kiss deepened there was no perfection, only sheer, wanton desperation. I moved my arms grasping his biceps and moved us backwards towards the bed.

I brought him down on top of me, allowing us to shift and move till he was straddling me, our lips brushing each other's or our chins, necks or jaws. With each thrust downward from him, I thrust up; I hadn't done this in a long time. His lips covered mine, devouring me, pulling everything from deep within me to the surface.

A loud bang on the door startled us, causing him to slightly nip my lip. He scrambled off of me, falling to his side as I quickly climbed to my feet and raced to the door—hoping beyond anything that it wasn't one of my parents standing on the other side. Wiping my hand across my lip, glancing down at the small streak of blood, I opened the door with my free hand. My jaw dropped at who was standing on the top landing.

"What are you doing here?"

"Rodney, please, I just…can we talk?"

Without an okay he pushed himself past me into the loft and stopped once he realized I wasn't alone. Evan sat on the edge of my old bed, hair mussed, shirt ruffled and untucked, belt unbuckled; he was still hard in his jeans, I know I was.

"Oh."


	9. Grace Under Pressure

"Hey John."

I think I could love Evan for his ability to adjust to any situation. I glanced at John, his shoulders were tense and his ears were tinged pink—interesting.

"I'm sorry I, I didn't realize I was interrupting…I, Rodney can we…"

He hadn't turned around to face me; looking between him and Evan I could tell they were silently communicating with each other. Evan glanced at me over John's shoulder and smiled—one I couldn't help but return.

"I can give you a moment. Rodney I'll just be at the bottom of the stairs."

He climbed to his feet in one smooth motion—I hated my life right in this moment. Gorgeous man—willing—on my bed, aroused and would be the first sex I'd have had since the idiot who interrupted us.

Evan walked towards me and I could only watch in amusement as John's eyes followed him, turning to watch him leave. Evan walked right up to me and pulled me in for a brief yet intense kiss, a promise to pick up where we left off. Once he was through the door and a few steps down John finally let out a strangled growl.

"What the hell was that Rodney?"

I raised an eyebrow. I fought not to smirk, he was so jealous.

"A kiss and unless you were deaf and blind when we were all cozy back in your grandmother's living room then I'm sure you can tell what's going on. You moved on, aren't I allowed to do the same?"

He moved and his eyes flashed with an emotion I remembered seeing only once in his eyes. He was going to tell me no.

"John, look, saying sorry will not take back anything and it won't change or fix anything either."

He was breathing hard through his nose; he was trying to hold back.

"Rodney…I…I'd have…I'd wait forever for you. You have to know that."

I slumped over to my bed and plopped down on the edge.

"You know, Teyla kicked my ass the next morning. She and Ronon both actually; I had bruises for a week. My father saw us in the car that night. He'd have ruined your life John, and I wouldn't let him do that to you."

He slid his hands into his pockets and stared at me—hard. I felt so pathetic, recalling memories and the lame excuses that meant nothing, and he just stared at me.

"Are you happy John?"

He blinked and barely shook his head before he caught himself. He narrowed his eyes at me; cutting through me like his gaze was one of the swords I had seen hanging on the wall at Ronon's. He squared his shoulders and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry to have wasted your time Dr. McKay."

With that he turned and headed towards the door, not even glancing behind him as he slammed it shut. I heard his footsteps make it halfway down the steps before a loud thud hit the building wall. I heard voices but I couldn't make out what they were saying. After a few moments of silence I heard two sets of footsteps, one head down and the other heading up.

* * *

**A/N:** Apologies for such a tiny chapter and such a long wait since the last update!

I've been so busy between my job and my classes I've barely had enough time to have a thought to myself.

I appreciate all the comments, the favorites, the alerts-everything. Thank you so much! :)


	10. Sunday

"Rodney, as your friend, I must ask you, what is the matter? You left Friday with that Lorne man and you want to leave early this morning to go back to the city, why?"

I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and kept my eyes straight ahead. I could tell from my peripheral vision that Radek wanted to say more, but we both know he'd be met by a rather thick wall of silence I was so apt at putting up. He sighed and turned his attention back to the papers in his hands.

I glanced at the small clock in the dashboard, it was now eleven, the gathering would be happening now. Everyone would be wearing their over joyous smiles and rounds and rounds of hugs and kisses would be passed around to all in attendance; he wonders why I wanted to leave?

I shouldn't take my anger out on Radek, of all of my friends he's the one that's stuck by my side. Carson would've if he could've, but med school was his dream and when his Mum surprised him with tuition, I couldn't let him hold his life back 'cause of me. He phoned and sent messages and I would reply when I had the chance; we've known each other far too long to just toss away our friendship.

I let my thoughts drift back to Friday; _I heard voices but I couldn't make out what they were saying. After a few moments of silence I heard two sets of footsteps, one head down and the other heading up. I sat there, just sat there. I knew if it were Evan on the other side of the door I'd be a mixture of disappointment, embarrassment and anxiety, and if it were John, I'd feel the same with just a little bit of relief thrown in. _

_I couldn't look at the door, I'd see the outline of who stood there and I'd know which one came up and which one left. I huffed and fell back on the bed, ignoring the stinging sensation at the corners of my eyes—why now? What did I do? I should've told Carson I couldn't make it home. The door opened and I didn't look up, I couldn't bring myself to do it—I closed my eyes. _

_I listened as the door creaked open and shut with a soft click, soft footsteps cross the room to me and I felt the bed dip from the weight of the body that was sitting on its edge._

"They won't last Rodney; anyone with a brain recognizes that, perhaps even she does too."

His voice was quiet, but strong enough to let me know my silent treatment wasn't going to work—it hardly ever did. Radek read me like the complex equation I am, and he was mostly always right.

"Rodney, how do you think he knew to go into the house? He cornered me, asked if I came with you…I don't lie."

My grip loosened and my shoulders slumped—I couldn't fight it.

"He'll make it last…I, I…Radek, I broke him…_again_."

* * *

**A/N: I'm so sorry for the delay in updating! **

**I was involved in a car wreck (I'm okay though!) the Thursday before Christmas and have spent the past week or so drugged up, filing claims, paper work and on top of that working my job. **

**I hope you lot had a Happy Christmas and a Happy New Year! :]**


	11. No Man's Land

**My deepest and most sincerest of apologies, especially to those few of you who might still be following this story. **

**Between my accident and other such things life tends to throw my way, I lost my motivation for this story. I also apologize for any mishaps, I tried to eliminate them all, but in my haste to finally give you an update, I might have overlooked something. **

**However, today I was struck with this and I will give fare warning, this bit gives into the _M_ rating of this story.**

* * *

I stared up at the ceiling, my mind continuously replaying Saturday night.

_I listened as the door creaked open and shut with a soft click, soft footsteps cross the room to me and I felt the bed dip from the weight of the body that was sitting on its edge._

"_Rodney?"_

_My breath caught and I swear my heart fluttered—though I'd never admit such things occurred. I snapped my eyes open and looked up at the man looking down at me. _

"_Hi."_

_He reached up and scratched the back of his neck and I could only nod a greeting in return. _

"_I'm sorry."_

_I sat up at those two words; making us separated by only a few inches. Our eyes locked and I knew, I knew everything he wanted to say to me, but he couldn't because he was so emotionally stunted and proud to admit such things. I did the only thing my mind would let me process—I closed the distance and pressed my lips to his._

_It took him a nanosecond to respond, pressing himself into me, his hands grasping on my biceps and a slight growl erupted from within. One of my hands rested on his thigh, the other reaching up to cling to his shirt, to pull it tight and relish in the knowledge that this was actually happening. _

_His tongue danced along my bottom lip, careful of the nip Evan left behind. I knew he could taste Evan on my lips; he'd taste even more of him when he managed to coax my mouth open. It would anger him, make him so jealous—oh my god what am I doing? I pulled back and caught my breath. _

_His lips glistened with the slight sheen of saliva; I wanted nothing more than to divulge in them once more. His eyes narrowed at my hesitation to speak, he knew what I was going to say, he wasn't stupid. He spoke first._

"_I meant it you know, waiting forever for you. And you're right, I should let you move on, but I haven't Rodney. I can't."_

"_You're engaged and you can't be here. I, I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry, I just…I couldn't help myself."_

_He pushed me away, standing to his feet. He ran his hands through his hair, one moving down to the back of his neck. _

"_Dammit Rodney! I told you once before, you don't get to make decisions about how I feel, you have no right. If I tell you I'm still in love with you, then dammit I'm still in love with you, got it!"_

_He started pacing and I could only sit there in silence—there were plenty of things I wanted to say but words wouldn't form._

"_Do you have ANY idea what that did to me, coming here, barging in, expecting you to be alone and I find Evan—of all people—on your bed? Do you?"_

_He stopped and simply stared at me; his actions finally catching up to him. I felt like that stupid, lost little boy I was the day of my high school graduation. Like I was sixteen and wanting nothing more for the man in front of me to accept my stupidity and just hold me to him like he used to. _

_I nodded._

"_It felt just how I did when I realized just who Nancy was."_

_I fell backwards onto my bed, draping an arm over my eyes, fighting off that stinging of unshed tears again. His footsteps shuffled closer to me and I felt the bed dip with his weight; warmth covered me and I realized he was straddling me. One of his hands reached out and moved my arm, pinning it above my head as he leant over me._

_He was fighting himself over something, but before I could figure anything out anger and jealousy filled his eyes and his fingers tightened their grip on my forearm. He pressed his groin into mine, the stirrings of an erection pressed down on me and I gasped. My eyes widened as I looked up at him and he simply stared._

"_This is what you wanted right, a meaningless fuck. Who better to give you want you want than me, I would've been who you were thinking of. Evan's beautiful, sure, he has good stamina too, he'd have given you a good time, but you'd be with him to _forget_ me."_

_I bit my lip as he continuously rolled his hips into mine, my own erection stirring—forcing myself to accept that it was only from stimulation. Not the man above me, being forceful, something he's never been with me before. Pushing my thoughts away I reached up with my free hand and clutched the neck of his shirt and pulled him down, pressing my lips to his._

_He groaned as he moved his lips with mine, opening up at the slightest hint of my tongue on his lips. I finally rolled my hips up into his and gasped into his mouth. I had forgotten what it truly felt like to have him above me. _

I tossed the pillow beneath my head at the wall, its soft flop a huge disappointment in fit of anger. I was aroused from remembering being with John one more time. Biting my lip I reached down and started to rub myself through my pants—this is the best I'm going to get, especially after what I did.

Never again would I feel his lips on mine, his fingertips brush against my skin, or have him fill me in only a way he can. I reached beneath my waist, letting my fingers creep through my pants and the elastic band of my boxers and curl around myself. Tugging and squeezing; I'm pathetic.

_His left hand was hot and heavy against my thigh while his right hand was clenched in mine. Every thrust into my body rocked us in sync; I clenched my muscles around him, his head dropped to mine, resting his forehead against mine. Our eyes locked on each other's, telling the other what we couldn't—wouldn't—admit out loud. His breath hitched and I knew he was close, four more thrusts and he erupted within me, that familiar—and desperately missed—sting of warmth. He never had to touch me, his orgasm usually sent me over and this time was no different. As he rode out his orgasm, his body unwilling to stop its movements, my own release erupted, spattering our stomachs._

_The fingers entwined with my own squeezed and he finally closed his eyes. His breath, hot, harsh and ragged fluttered across my lips. He held me through my tremors, the hand on my thigh slipping up towards the mess I made. Fingers spreading the sticky mess as his hips finally slowed to a stop. His eyes opened and he pressed his lips to mine. I closed my eyes and responded, my free hand running up his back to the nape of his neck and grabbing on, to hold him there._

_Our mouths remained connected as he slowly softened inside of me, his weight slowly settling down on top of me; his fingertips, the cum covered ones, slowly tracing odd patters along my cheek and jaw line._

_As we lay there, entwined in a way only lovers can—"That was fun, let's not do it again." I held my emotions back as his gaze hardened above me, he quickly—slightly painfully despite his softness—removed himself from me. I watched with nonchalance as he quickly threw his clothes back on, haphazardly. _

I let the tears finally fall as I fisted my sheet, my self-induced orgasm, now a drying sticky mess in my pants. I couldn't bring myself to move; still glad it was Sunday night and that I didn't have to be at work as early tomorrow morning. I shifted, curling myself into the fetal position; my loneliness finally making its presence known.

After some time my phone interrupted my blank wall staring; I reached out for it and glanced at the name—Teyla. I hit ignore, knowing the repercussions I would face. Of course he'd have gone to her and told her everything. I threw my phone at the wall, its thud and resounding thump as it landed on the carpet offered the smallest amount of relief.


End file.
